Seven Years

Seven years and, I'm still here
Still breathing, my heart, still beating
Seven years, a miracle I don't
Cut myself or find my peace in hell
Never had someone to talk to
Now you're sorry you're sorry I don't care
Take this pain away
I've been screaming your name!

[I was never perfect and know I'll] never
Be anything close to what you've dreamed of me
[Could you cry for me? Because I'll] never show you
Anymore (this is the last time)

Seven years, of lies I've lived
And all this time I had you fooled
Seven years, of pain you'll never
Understand unless you're in my shoes
Do you know what it's like to be scared
Of yourself and what you might do?
Tremble in your darkness
Because I'm dying in mine!

[I was never perfect and know I'll] never
Be anything close to what you've dreamed of me
[Could you cry for me? Because I'll] never show you
Anymore (this is the last time)

You would've never known
Unless I wrote you such a
Suicidal note
You would've never known
Unless I wrote you such a
Suicidal note

(Now you're sorry you're sorry)
I don't care

To Her

After all this time
I'm losing sleep over you
And when I do close my eyes
All I see is you
At first it was fine
I wasn't ready to let go
But now it's getting ridiculous
How long has it been now?
I can't be like this forever
I NEED to let go
And forget you already
For my sake...

My heart's a mess
And I'd like to think
It's all your fault
But it's mine too
Why did I ever fall for you?
It was probably that smile
And the way you laughed
You know, you're so cute,
Even when you're sleeping

(I wonder if you read this
Would you know it was you?)

Because it feels like
All I can do is write to you
Letters that you'll never read
Dedicate
Poetry you'll never feel
Songs I'll never sing
And this is all I can give
Things that will never be

There were days when
I pretended to be alright
And there were days
When I didn't even bother to try

So I wonder
Why did you choose me,
Of all people?

(But I never could
Take my eyes off you)

I don't know the feelings
I had back then
Never really had them again
I started showing off more
Started talking more
To you, of course
I wanted you to look at me
I wanted you to notice me
For once in my life
I actually cared
What someone thought of me
Is that what they call love?
No, couldn't be,
Could it?

So if you ever read this
(I want you to know
I've been thinking of you)
Been wishing you were happy
Been hoping
At least YOU'RE alright

And I want you to know
Despite everything I just said
This probably won't be

The last time

I write to you..

(Can't quite let go of this..)

The Arsonist...He's Dead Now...

*note: rewrite of The Tragedy of the Arsonist

There was nothing complicated about it
Just a box of matches
Few gallons of gasoline
It was so simple
Surely even he could do it

[Watch it burn!]
[Watch me burn!]

Something sadistic about his smile
Something nervous in his hand
(What's this? Regret?)

[Burn it away!]
[Burn everything!]

(Embers, embers)
Light memories on fire
(Ashes, ashes)
Pain erase pain

Taking pride in the flames
Finding joy in the flames
A sick smile before he burned away

Ironic the sky lamented his sorrow
Shed tears he never could
Yellow suits in red trucks came
And washed away the remains
Lights still flashing
"There's no one inside the building"

She stands alone
No one will move her
Eyes glazed over
Ashes remain

He stole her heart

(The flames took his)

Haunting memories
Twisted him; became
What he never wanted

She wanted to help
She tried to help
She wanted to help

[Burn it away!]
[Burn me away!]
[Burn everything!]
[Everything!]
(To ashes)
The blaze dies
Down...

Shadow

Darkness
So soothing
Lack color
Lack vision

No pretty faces
No distractions

Just voices
Words spoken
Ideas
Behind them
Blinded
We find our
Identity
In them

No filters or
Prejudice
I think this
Is perfect

(Don't
Bring
The
Light)

[I like it here]

(Don't
Adjust
Your
Eyes)

[How long do I have?]

(Are you scared of the dark?)
[Are you scared of yourself?]

In darkness
We're naked
No lies here
To save us
All the lipstick
And plastic
Pretty worthless
Here in
This darkness

So shed all
Of your fears
No one can
See you here
Don't shed tears
Of sadness
I'm glad that
I have this
No one knows
Who you are
And so they
Can't bring harm
Or even
Begin to
Fathom your

Existence

Even darkness
Isn't perfect
There are those
Who prefer this
Light I find blinding
Light I hate finding
This light only brings
Me reminding

The pain
And the
Suffering
I'd love to
Forget

So darkness please take my
Soul and just swallow
Me in your comfort
[I hate to remember]

(Darkness)
Take me away...

I Hate This

From when I wake up
To when I fall asleep
Every damn day
Feels the same way
To me

Just routine
These feelings
At rest in my chest
Like there's no point
To anything
Anymore

I feel dead inside
But I'm alive right?

These lungs keep breathing
This heart keeps beating
This damn head keeps dreaming
Fantasizing
Every damn thing I ever wanted
From "this" to that" to "her"
Damn

Rather not remember
Wish I could forget her

And I'm so sick of trying
So sick of dying
Killing myself
Just to meet
The expectations of
Somebody else
And they wonder why I never set
Goals for myself
Well, you already did that for me
Didn't you now?
And if I don't do what they say
Why do I always have to pay?
They waste my time
They waste their voice
With stupid things like
"This is pathetic!
Why don't you try harder?
This isn't your best!
I know you're better than this!"

And all I ever have to say
To them in the least is

...

Nothing

I won't give them that satisfaction
I'll look the other way and pretend I can't hear
Their screaming or their whining
Besides
I never asked for this

But the decision remains
I can do nothing and fail
And stick it in their face
Or succeed and go someplace
So very far away
Or spend some time
To think and figure out
What #3 is

See right here where I'm sitting
In the middle of a sea of lonely
By myself
No one else
Never was
Never will

It's irritating
Right now
I hate myself
Because I can't help it
I'm jealous
I'm angry
Why can't I be happy?
Never meant to be?
Where's the purpose in that?
Where's MY reason to live?
There's this life to give something
But I got nothing
Never had anything
To begin with

And it's hard to explain
This routine because
See it's NOT nothing
I'm feeling angry
Feeling sad
Pitiful, pathetic
Jealous to the point
Where I hate it
Unmotivated
To do
What I
Don't want to

There's a limit to how far I can reach
But they don't understand
Ordinary was never meant to be perfect
But they won't hear it
I'm so sick and tired of this

And this is life
My routine
The thing that's killing me
Because I can't find peace
Not even when i sleep
'Cause she's in my dreams
Everytime
My damn mind
Must be malfunctioning

How many years has it been?
How many words...
For me?
For her?

Damn

I'm so sick and tired of this...