Monday, January 7, 2008

Trying to Make Sense of My Madness

Maybe it's because
I was born second
Out of three
Only son
Older sister
She gets responsibility
Privileges
First choice
Younger sister
She gets everything
Not too far
From spoiled
Hand-me-downs go to my sister
Everything new goes to my sister
What does that leave me?
I have to work for mine
I have to bleed for mine

Maybe it's because
I belong to clashing cultures
Miles apart
Different traditions
Languages I can't seem to comprehend
Add AMERICA to that
And now I have minorities

Maybe it's because my father
Was gone half the time
Miles away from me
Don't get me wrong
I loved him but...
It's too frustrating to say
Too...complicated...
But I can try
When you score
The winning point for your team
And you look to the stands
Only to remember no one's there
You lose enthusiasm
The moment goes missing
Seemed like my mother
Could have cared less
I could die...and...well...
I'd rather not think about it
She meant good
I think...
I hope...

Maybe it's because
I dream of flying
But wake up falling
I long for the night
Early morning even
But everyone loves the day
I know silence
They only know noise

I know I'm judged
Not by just one
But everyone
Shallow hearts
Can say the sharpest words
I know she's gone
But I can't help but hold on
To what's lost
Pathetic...I know...
But it's almost comforting
My heart aches for that someone
But I can't find her
I've lost my map
And this compass is broken
I have schizophrenic tendencies
But nobody's perfect
No such thing as "normal"
But they swear on their lives they are...

I've been fed lies
And denied truths
I have to find it for myself
They refuse to help

I'm trying to make sense of my madness
But I find myself running in circles
Chasing my own footsteps
Drowning in regret

Sorry to say
But I'm alone
No one to hold...
Talking to blank walls
Listening to my echoes
Spilling ink on paper
Writing words few dare to

I think myself mad
Pitying myself
But I can't help it
I feel so weak
I had hoped to hold hopes up high
To stand strong
To hold on
But...
This battle's hard
To fight alone

Everyone wants to change the world
To change a life for the better
And maybe they do
Someday
All I wanted
Was to make someone think
Maybe I did
I hope I did

I tire
And this is unfinished
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe never

2 comments:

Frederick said...

Bravo. One of your top 5 on your blog. I still have my 2 favorites by you and you already know which they are:)

heatherrreloise said...

I can relate to this very much.
Except I am the oldest out of three.
And my two younger sisters always
got everything. And now get even
more because I moved out.
Psh.
I can already feel the jealousy,
resentment, and anger building..

Key/Legend

word = speaking/singing
(word) = whispering/echo
[word] = stern voice/screaming